by Chelsey Waters
graduated Carolina Springs Academy
August 2003
I remember the day I walked into
Carolina Springs Academy and all the emotions that came with it. I was a lost girl, full of anger, hate and depression. I had very low self-esteem and was not satisfied with the way I was. I had abused drugs, alcohol, and had developed an eating disorder to fill the “empty hole” inside of me. I was court ordered to complete the Program.
I knew my only way home was to graduate. So I complied and faked my way to Level 4. This is when my program really began. The seminars were great experiences for me when I was at Level 1, 2, and 3, however I didnʼt truly understand or learn any of it until I was staffing them at Levels 5 and 6. At Level 4 I was stuck. I had fallen into many of my old behaviors: being disrespectful, manipulating my parents (by the way, they have been the most committed, “non-programized” parents ever), running on acceptance, concentrating on my looks, thinking the rules didnʼt apply to me, focusing on boys, and being angry at the world if things didnʼt go my way. I had made friends with people who were similar to the ones I had at home.
Weʼd support each other in our stuff and cover for each other. At the time, thatʼs what I thought friends were. Later on, I learned a friend is one who will respect me. A friend is someone who lives within my values and will be honest with me. Someone I can trust to hold me to high
standards. If I let my friends break small rules in front of me here, Iʼll eventually let even bigger things happen in front of me at home. Who my friends are, and what they do, is a reflection of myself. I then had to make the tough choice of separating myself from these girls, choosing to not allow my acceptance issues to run me for the first time in my life.
The biggest lesson Iʼve learned, while being in the leadership position, is that if I donʼt stand for something, I will fall for anything.
I had developed what I thought to be a “good relationship” with one of the boys in the program. I put my focus on him and took it off myself and all the things I needed to be focused on. It wasnʼt until
later on I realized that I was really just in search for the love I was still lacking from myself. Iʼve learned that no one, especially a boy, is worth risking my life (in this case my program) over. I am the most important person in my life and before anybody can truly love me, I first must love myself. At home I always thought that my friends were the most important people in my life. It took me coming here to realize that my family members are the most important people to me. They love and accept me for who I am. I only have one family and a limited amount of time with them. When they are gone I want to look back and smile because of all the times we had together, not cry because of all the missed opportunities I had with them.
After my Discovery I had written a confession letter to my parents, telling them all the secrets and lies I had held from them. I was terrified to get a response back from them thinking that they would never forgive me and hate me for what I had done. To my surprise, they were forgiving and showed so much love and support that it was unbelievable. At home my mom use to always say, “Chelsey, I donʼt love your actions. I love the person you are.” I never understood what she meant by that, until now. I had cried happy tears for the first time in my life knowing that my mom had faith in me and h d seen past my behaviors and saw the beautiful, loving, powerful, and worthy person I am today. During PC2, I realized that this Program is my life, and if Iʼm not committed to it then I am not committed to myself nor my life. Looking hard at my life and myself I committed myself to my program. I had been secretly terrified of going home because of my experiences pre-program. I was scared to set my own boundaries and didnʼt want to say good bye to all my old “friends”. I was terrified I was going to be lonely.
But as the Director told me, “When you go home there will be times when you are lonely, but is the short term pleasure really worth the long term pain?” My answer came quick. “No!” My parents and I communicate great. Every once in awhile we disagree, but it is nothing like before when we couldnʼt have a one minute conversation without screaming at each other. Theyʼve taught me that I must trust myself before I can trust anybody else. Theyʼve taught me that trust is not given, but earned . . . over time! I am happy and confident about myself and content with what I have. I donʼt need make-up, brand name clothes, or tons of accessories to make me beautiful. I have dreams and goals now. I can now accept the fact that life is not fair all the time and that not everybody is going to like me.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and me being sent to this Program was no accident. Donʼt get me wrong. My life is not perfect. Far from it actually, but I will admit that it is pretty great and has changed for the better with the help of my Family Rep, Ms. Wanda and Carolina Springs Academy. Never did I think I would be thanking my parents for sending me to a Program, but today I am.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for giving me life; not once but twice. First when I was born, and second when I was 16 and you sent me through the doors of Carolina Springs Academy.
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